So, I've been looking for a new job lately and to be honest about it, I've been doing it pretty half-assed. I dunno, I'm just not being very diligent in my quest for new employment. I have all day to get stuff done, yet I rarely do. However, today my brother asked me if I could watch an auction and see if I could win it for him while he was at work. This time I was on top of things and was able to win it. It kinda' makes me wonder about myself, do I care more about other people and letting them down than I do about myself?
I've longed since wondered that and my actions almost always seem to reinforce this thought. It's almost like I only care about what people think they know about me. As long as they think I'm fine, then I really don't care what happens to me. Also, I seem to go the extra mile for other people, but I just can't seem to do it for myself. Why is it that I'm totally willing to help other people out, yet I can't seem to help myself. My apathy towards my situation intrigues me. It's like, I KNOW what I need to do and I KNOW how to do it. I just don't. Then I get pissed off at myself and the downward spiral continues. Maybe I just see everything and feel overwhelmed by it all and I'm afraid to take that first step. For me, that first step is always the hardest and it seems to translate to other areas of my life. In school, the first sentence of the essay was always the toughest, but once I got it started I could get a good flow going. This has always been true, but maybe I'm just too afraid to take chances, too afraid to risk anything. I just wish I wasn't.
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. - T.S. Eliot