Thursday, April 15, 2004

I think I'm stuck. I just don't feel like I know what I want to do anymore. I keep wanting to make a new plan for my future, but when every other plan hasn't worked out, it's hard to want to scrap everything and start all over again. I'm almost 25 now, how many times can I start over?

I am my own worst enemy right now. I beat myself up over everything, over-analyzing my life, being my own personal psychologist. I can keep telling myself what's wrong with me, yet I can't seem to find a way to fix it. You'd think that having too much pride and not enough self esteem was impossible, yet I have found a way. I can see all the potential that I have, all the talent that is in me and I refuse to let myself settle. On the other hand, I've accomplished virtually nothing in my life and it's hard to get people to take you seriously just based on what you *could've* become.

My apathy frightens me. I look at how I've progressed in life. I look at how I am the same person, yet so very different. As I've grown older, my accomplishments have dwindled, mainly because I didn't care enough to try. I'm afraid of failure, so much so that sometimes I quit before I can fail.

I'm having thoughts again. Thoughts that I thought I had gotten over long ago. I know that's really vague, but that's the best I can do right now. Right now, I'm just really scared. Scared of my future, scared of letting everyone I love down and mostly scared of myself. . .

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